Parenthood Is Triggering
Here’s another, “not so easy to post”, post. But, I don’t know who else needs to hear/see this, so I’m putting this out there, for you. Whoever you are.
….
I had no idea how triggering parenthood would be.
Don’t @ me… As someone w PTSD, I know what “triggering” means, and I don’t use the word lightly.
But, yes… shockingly, being a mom has been really triggering. Panic attack/flashback/high anxiety… Triggering.
Sometimes, just looking at my kids, flashes me back to when I was little. It blows my mind that anyone could treat a child “that way”. It literally pains me to see my children cry. I will never know how certain people from my past, slept/sleep at night, knowing they were hurting a child.
Other times, I’m paralyzed with fear that I’ll continue the cycle (just writing that is difficult). I can’t begin to describe how afraid I am that I’ll become those angry people. I mean, they hurt me bc it’s what they learned. Right? It’s all they knew. It’s all I knew… And yet, somehow I know better. I want to do better. My (all) kids deserve better.
I have to tell myself, on a daily (sometimes hourly, or minute by minute) basis, “I am not my past”. The hurtful things others have done/said to me, hurt. Yes. BUT, it’s over. And, I am not them. My heart hurts, bc I know how wrong it was. I am able to see it in a way that for whatever reason, they weren’t.
And today, I have the most amazing little family that I created!!! On my own. My children (and I) are safe (physically, but also emotionally). They don’t go to sleep afraid (of me, or any other human, for that matter). They have a positive sense of self. They are encouraged. And, they never question if they are loved.
It’s so easy to get down on ourselves as parents. But, if you’re reading this, here’s your reminder that you’re a great mom (parent, caregiver, human…)!
You are not your past. You are not “them”. As long as your children are loved, not much else matters.
Allie
