I Resent The Ways My Mental Health Has Interfered With My Life
Breastfeeding isn’t something that’s very natural for me. Being a trauma survivor, even though I know there’s nothing sexual about breastfeeding, pretty much everything about my body feels sexualized/inappropriate/scary.
However, the bond that my daughter and I have when we’re breastfeeding is something inexplainable. It’s stronger than any insecurity, fear, or intrusive thought, I might have. Knowing that I am her safe place, and that I can soothe her in a way no one/nothing else can, is a very special thing, that I don’t want to let go of.
That all being said, ever since my daughter was born, I have suffered from pretty bad PPA/PPD (postpartum anxiety & postpartum depression). At first I thought it was because I hemorrhaged after delivery. I figured, “it will go away in a couple weeks, like it did with my son.” But, one month after my daughter was born, we were in a global pandemic, and the world shut down. It made everything that much harder (for everyone). And, well, almost 14 months later, I’m still struggling.
My doctor wants to try adding a medication that isn’t safe to use while breastfeeding. I’m so angry. I feel so inadequate. Why can’t I think my way out of this?
We’ve made it this far, and now, I have to end it, not on OUR terms, but because my fucking mind can’t pull itself together.
On the one hand, I know I’m making the right decision for my family, and me. Yet, on the other, I’m grieving the end of this chapter. This chapter, which was robbed from us, in a lot of ways.
I guess this is what it looks like to make the hard decisions for your family. To be humble. To be courageous. To accept help, when you need it. To decide, once and for all, “enough is enough. I need to be my best self. Not just for me, but my babies, as well.” ….even though, on the inside you feel broken, devastated, and like you can’t do anything right.
Healing is painful, but it’s better than staying stuck.
You’ve got this!