To Anyone I’ve Ever Cancelled On…
To all the (too many) people I’ve cancelled on, especially at the last minute;
I wanted to do whatever it is we had planned, and when I said “yes”, I was up for the task. But, my anxiety kicks in at the most random times. I never know when I’ll have an attack.
I agree to things I want to do, because I don’t want to let the fear of my anxiety, stop me. However, sometimes, the reality of my anxiety DOES stop me.
I‘m embarrassed by my inability to control my nerves, to the point where it interferes with not only my life, but now yours, too.
Having all this shame about it only makes everything that much worse. It’s why, after this, I’ll most likely be particularly awkward around you.
I have whole stories made up in my head about how mad you are at me, and what an inconvenience this was for you. Even if you’ve made it clear, “it’s fine”.
These are just some of the lies my anxiety tells me.
And, I know I can give off this “chill/happy vibe”, or pretend “idgaf”, but it’s fake. I do give a fuck. I give a lot of fucks. More than I should.
I guess I just wanted you to know… from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for how this has affected both you, and me. I wish I could say, “this will never happen again”, but the truth is, it will… it’s just how I am.
I have anxiety. My anxiety is unpredictable and unreliable. Therefore, I can be unpredictable and unreliable.
Hopefully, you can understand. Hopefully, it’s not a deal breaker.
But also, if it is…. ✌🏼#sorrynotsorry
👏🏽This 👏🏽Is 👏🏽Me